So I made an observation a couple weeks ago and it’s definitely scaring the living daylights out of me. I’m starting to resemble Gollum from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. (I know! That came out of the blackhole of nowhere!) And while I do resemble him physically in the morning before coffee, it’s more his obsession that I relate to.
No, I don’t have a gold ring that I talk to (although we all have those days! Am I right, ladies? Lol. Wait, am I? Uh oh.), I do obsess over my free time. OBSESS.
Look, I was home with my crazies for many, many, MANY years with very little free time to myself. I did what everyone does – prayed for naps, pleaded desperately with my husband to come home from work early, went to the gym merely because they had childcare, begged my friends to invite me to dinner and attempted to stay up as late as I could at night to enjoy those little snippets of “free time”. Which, let’s face it, is never REALLY free time – because at any moment it could all go to shit. One vomiting child and you’re free time is shot for a week, along with your brand new yoga pants.
But once all three of my kids were in school full time it was really SO beyond bizarre … I mean in a good way. Like it’s “so bizarre” that you bought me those diamond earrings, honey! (hint, hint)
I remember staring at the day before me and becoming giddy. No, this wasn’t the preschool 3 hours of free time – which, as you know, is basically 1 hour because of the driving to and from and the doing the one errand you need to get done. No. This was 7 whole hours. Holy. Shit. I actually told myself I was going to take the first month and do nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. I laid around and read books and watched TV … all the things I used to do. I put on 10 pounds and it was like the “Freshman 15” – like I was in college again. PJ’s all day, eating ice cream for breakfast, watching soaps and reading smut books. It was heaven on earth.
Then I realized that I probably needed to do the laundry. And maybe I should clean a toilet or two. And from there it all went downhill.
So anyway, back to my Gollum analogy. I still can’t get out of the mindset that anything I have scheduled on a certain weekday is “eating into my free time”. A half hour doctor’s appt at 1pm is “ruining my day”. And I find myself telling people I can’t do anything that day. Why?? I have the whole freaking morning? But I hold time in my wrinkly, crusty, tiny hands and stare at it. It’s MY time. Don’t touch it!! My precious … (as I creepily stroke it)
I guess I will get over this at some point? Maybe when the kids are in college? Oh, wait … that’s when I sob for 2 years that they are all gone. Sometimes, honestly, this parenting thing makes my brain hurt.