Note To Self

Every once in awhile a day comes along to teach me a lesson. Frequently these days require 15 hours of self analysis, followed by 2 hours of texting with friends to reassure me that I am not, in fact, the devil, and end with copious amounts of vodka.

Yay! It’s one of those days again!! So here are some things I learned on this lovely day … notes to self, if you will. I share them, not because I think ANY of you would do such idiotic things, but because, in some way, sharing my complete lack of common sense somehow makes me feel that I am helping the world. Paying it forward, if you will. You’re welcome.

1. Do not drink 2 cups of coffee and a spoonful of sugar (fyi, it was more like a cup). It does not “help the medicine go down”. In fact, quite the opposite – it makes you NEED medicine. Now stop acting like you’re 22!

2. Do not ever, under any circumstances, attempt to pick up anything off the floor. This will merely remind you that you did not, in fact, go to the gym today and you are completely out of shape. And fat.

3. Do not allow anyone to know that, after getting your kids on the bus, you crawled back into bed only to resurface at 1pm. Yes, PM. People WILL judge you. “I’m sorry, did you say 1 PM?”

4. Do NOT look up one of your husband’s ex-girlfriends on Facebook only to find out that she is ridiculously accomplished and gorgeous, with two adorable children who look perfectly well behaved. You will not have the capacity to remember that people’s lives on Facebook are almost entirely made up.

5. Do not attempt to make a gourmet dinner that night. You will burn the chicken, set off the fire alarm, and scare the shit out of your kids. Plus, you will only give your husband one more reason why he should have married that angelic, perfect bitch – I mean, ex girlfriend.

6. Do not look in the mirror. Yeah, you heard me. Avoid that black hole like the mother freakin’ plague.

7. Do not pretend you are “that” mom by trying to play Yahtzee! with your kids. There will be screaming, crying and name calling, and possibly some irrational comments such as “I would rather DIE than finish this game!!!”. The kids, on the other hand, will be perfectly well behaved.

8. And, dear GOD, do NOT, after getting the kids to bed, decide to “confess” to your husband that you spent $257 at Target the other day on yoga pants and cute socks. Seriously?! This level of stupidity easily reaches the “bowels of hell” level. You’ve had a shitty day. Lay that baby to rest.

I hope these tips will help you were you to ever completely lose your mind and think any of these are even remotely a good idea.

Now it’s 9:03am. I’m going back to bed.

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