You Had Me at Sugar

I’ve been pretty strict about what I’ve been eating lately. And by “pretty strict”, I mean not really strict at all. But in my MIND, I’ve been strict. Does that count?

So when these FUN holidays come along (insert sarcasm here) with their sugar and their candy and their gluttony, I feel the need to indulge. And I mean REALLY indulge. Like, I may not live to see tomorrow, indulge. Like, I’m giving myself one last day for the rest of my life to eat whatever I want, indulge. I’m not sure where this mindset comes from (although watching my dad rip through a box of chocolates gave me a small clue … love you, Dad!), but it doesn’t work with my 38 year old body anymore. The way that sugary mess tears through me (sorry for the imagery), you’d think I went to a third world country and drank straight from the local river … yum!

Meanwhile, on these holidays, I watch my kids down chocolate and sugar like it’s going out of style and it have virtually no effect on them at all. I mean, maybe a little sugar rush, maybe a little crank after, but nothing – NOTHING – like what I go through. They are like little efficient recycling plants and I’m the toxic waste dump. I wistfully remember my own childhood days, with the ginormous chocolate bunny in my Easter basket. I would go to TOWN on that thing and be fine! If I did that now, I would probably end up in the hospital.

I came home from our family holiday celebration yesterday and crashed out. For two hours I slept, dreaming only of puking chocolate bunnies and eggs filled with misery. I proceeded to wake up with a raging headache and suicidal tendencies. I dramatically declared that I “will never eat again” to no one in particular and then texted the Hubs (who was downstairs … yep, down … stairs … ) to bring me up 3 Advil and a glass of water. I emerged from the bedroom an hour later in a stupor, cursing whoever “invented” sugar … yes, I realize that’s not exactly accurate, but it helps with my standby defense mechanism – blaming others for my stupid mistakes.

Kids: Are you ok, mommy?

Me: No

Kids: What’s wrong?

Me: I ate 2 1/2 pounds of jelly beans, 3 bars of chocolate, 2 cupcakes, some sort of sweet bread from the gods, and as many Reeses’ peanut butters cups as I could find. Don’t expect to find any in your stash.

Scarily, at that moment, my belly began to grumble. Like I was hungry? Hungryyyyyyyyyy? HUH???

Don’t feed the animals! – I want to scream.

I no longer trust myself or my ability to manage my own health. Can you even believe I’m raising 3 kids? I know. Crazy.

So today is a new day! Starting fresh … and praying I don’t find the Easter candy that I begged my husband to hide. From me.

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