Tactile Dysfunction

My middle child, AD, is very tactile. I mean VERY. We first noticed this when he was a baby. He rubbed everyone’s ear lobes. Obsessively. To the point that I was afraid I was gonna look like one of those aboriginal women with those ridiculously long lobes.


Yeah, her.  We were almost twins.  (fyi, when I googled “long ear lobes”, Selena Gomez popped up … WTF?)

Anyway … back to AD.

He must touch EVERYTHING. He also (awesomely) has no personal space. He’s the kid you wake up to who is 3 inches from your face in the morning. No, not the cute baby breath breathing on you anymore, the nasty stinky breath of a 10 year old boy, mixed with horrendous BO. I still have to muffle my screams.

If he walks by my cell phone, he MUST touch it. MUST. Or else he will die, I guess. If he’s too quiet in the house, I just randomly yell “STOP TOUCHING THAT” and 99% of the time I hear a thud somewhere in the house (or a quick removal of his hands from his pants … ).

He is notorious for sticking his fingers in any food within “touching” distance in the house … iced cakes, raw egg, Purina dog chow, whatever. He runs his hands on the walls as he walks by. And trust me, those babies aren’t clean. My daughter decorated a shirt with purple puff paint and was letting it dry on the table. When I heard her blood curdling scream and saw the ruined shirt, there was no question in my mind what happened. I walked over to AD, picked up his hand and saw the purple smeared all over it. He actually had the balls to deny it. (He takes after me)

We went to my dad and stepmother’s house for our Easter egg hunt this past weekend. When we pulled up I could see that my dad had already hidden all the eggs. We had to give the kids (really just AD, but we try to be nondiscriminatory) a 20 minute lecture before we let them out of the car.

Do NOT touch the eggs. Pop-Pop will tell us when it’s time to hunt for them. DO NOT TOUCH.

In addition to our verbal assault, I stared at AD with crazy swirly eyes, trying desperately to subliminally influence him – willing him to do the right thing. I’m pretty sure he was in the middle of farting, so his attention wasn’t in high gear.  Although, really, I don’t think it would have mattered.  What does he do? Yep. I turned to the Hubs and mumbled “I dread when he touches his first boob”.

One time, out of a combination of desperation and curiosity, I did a google search on children that are excessively tactile.  I came up with nothing. NOTH. ING. So I can’t just remove gluten from his diet or start giving him probiotics??? Basically my kid’s the only one like this?! There’s no google research/data out there? … is that even possible? Great. Perfect. Not that I want him to have some weird disorder, but at least let him have a weird disorder!!

He sleeps with sheets that are made out of fleece. When my husband saw them, he literally shuddered. Top that with 16 blankets and you basically have an inferno. So, naturally, he has a fan blowing on his face.

So – the point of this post? Just to share this lovely picture with you. A little “gift” I found the other day in our powder room. Take a guess who did it.



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