Early Onset Alzheimers (or Being a Mother)

I know you all can relate to this. It’s the end of whatever sports season and that fantabulous mom of one of the players on your kid’s team sends out an email saying she’d like to get a gift for the coach. Of course!!! – everyone screams. How thoughtful of you!! Yes, I was thinking the same thing, I just can never get my act together!! You’re the best!! Blah, blah, blah.

Look, it’s not that I don’t agree with her. Cause I do. I think these coaches put up with a lot of shit. I can’t even imagine the torture of coaching my 7 year old son. I have a hard enough time “coaching” him to use a napkin. But sometimes I’m inundated with this stuff and it gets lost in the shuffle. (mind you, I NEVER accidentally miss an episode of Vampire Diaries – which involves wine and my best friend – yeah, that shit never gets “forgotten” … but we’ll keep that our little secret).

So, it’s the end of basketball season and out comes the email. And I completely forget. And I completely forgot to tell the hubs as well. (at least both of us could have been to blame cause he most DEFINITELY would not have remembered). No – this screw up was on my shoulders and my shoulders alone.

Now here’s the fun part … the email that comes out a couple days before the last game from fantabulous mom:

Thanks everybody….!
I was able to catch up with seven out of eight of the team last night – so I will go ahead a purchase a Wawa gift card for the coaches – I was thinking $40 for the head coach and $30 for the assistant – let me know if everyone would rather I split it 50/50.
The one parent did not have any cash on hand – if you’d like to contribute – please do bring the cash to the game and I willl place $5 into each envelope – it’s all good.
It was a great year…thanks again.

REALLY!!! I mean, REEAAAAAAAALY?! I was so beyond mortified that I nearly lost my breakfast when the email came out. I’m surprised she didn’t just throw my name out there … in bold face type … with exclamation marks. And when she puts “one parent” … I read it like this … ONE PARENT … and pictured her shaking her head.

Now maybe I’m blowing this up bigger than it is (I NEVER do that! EVER. Seriously, though, I do it ALL the time), but come on!! Send me a separate email! Must you announce to everyone that one douchebag (i.e. me) didn’t get the money to you in time?! And “if you’d like to contribute”???? I sent you an email in the beginning saying we were in. I FORGOT!! Do you ever forget, lady??? NO, of course you don’t! You’re peeeeeeeeeerrrrrrfect. (I don’t know this woman at all. She may, in fact, be perfect)

And I can only imagine the coach, opening up her gorgeously wrapped Wawa gift card and seeing a random $5 bill in there (and let’s face it, I never have cash on hand – it would probably be 3 dollar bills stolen from my daughter’s piggy bank, 4 quarters, 8 dimes, and a ring pop).

So what does a mortified mother do? She sends an immediate email out to the fantabulous mom, begging her forgiveness, confessing all of her sins regarding her inability to remember anything, and pleading to let her get the money to her before she buys the gift cards.

I woke up at 6am and drove that mother-f*ing $10 to her house and dropped it in her mailbox.

nobody puts baby in a corner


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