Sometimes I look back on the years when the kids were sweet chubby screaming infants and adorable non compliant toddlers (I refer to that period as the Craptastic Era) and feel a little bad for the Hubs. I mean, just a teensy little. I was so engulfed in overwhelmedness (yes, Computer, I’m well aware that isn’t a word!) and so haggardly stressed and (in my mind) such a gargantuan failure, that I was Easter baskets of fun to live with!! I was like an episode of American Idol every night … but just the end … when the people get voted off … and cry … hysterically.
There’s a new book out by a bunch of mommy bloggers (the bloggers I want to be when I grow up). It’s called I Just Want To Pee Alone. You should check it out. It looks hilarious. Anyway, the title of this book reminds me so much of the Hubs and my nightly routine about 5 years ago that it makes me wish this book had been out 5 years ago so that I could stop having a daily nervous breakdown about my wildly erratic emotions in relation to taking care of my little muffins of joy.
Hubs would arrive home from a long day at work and (DARE!) voice a complaint about work, the kids, whatever (GASP! That horrific conceited self absorbed malicious monster!!). Sometimes it didn’t even have to be a complaint … just noise coming out of his mouth could set me off. That’s even a lie … it could go as low as just his mere presence in the house (look, I’m not proud of myself folks!) I was like Rosie O’Donnell at an NRA Convention. I would go completely cuckoo, batshit crazy. (ahh, the memories)
Me: Really? REALLLLLLLLLY?! I’m so sorry you had to “sit at your desk all day”. WOW. That must have been sooooooooooo hard. Let me ask you this, did you get to go to the bathroom today?
Me: Oh, you did? By yourself?
*crickets* (now, not to be outdone by the crickets, a child would start screaming in the background as well)
Me: You didn’t have an executive sitting on your lap? Or an octopus, perhaps?
*crickets* (now there’s 2 kids screaming)
Me: Cause I not only got to pee with a baby on my lap today, but I also got to play legos with three kids in the bathroom while I took a crap!
(I’m doing that face and tone of voice where you pretend that you’re loving the things you’re talking about, but everyone knows you’re talking about shit that, at any moment, could send you to a state run mental hospital)
*crickets* (and the trifecta … all 3 crying! Yay!)
At this point he would just stare at me while I gasped for breath. I’m guessing he was figuring that whatever he said was not gonna work today (and, more importantly, he was probably scouring the image of me taking a crap out of his brain). Even an “I’m sorry” could sometimes garner an explosive response from me.
Me: I’m sorry???? Did you really just say that? REALLY? That’s it!? NICE. Why don’t you just tell me I’m fat while you’re at it!
He really did deserve an award for not exclaiming: “Sweet Jesus on a cracker, woman! Get your shit together!!”
Anyway, after about 5 minutes, I would break out into an uncontrollable sob, apologize for my outstanding rudeness, and beg for his forgiveness – falling dramatically into his arms. The range of emotions for me in those days was comically obscene. He seriously must have felt like he was living with a bipolar psychotic lunatic. Add two notoriously irrational toddlers and a projectile vomiting baby to the mix and I still can’t figure out why the man stayed.
I will say it’s gotten a lot better as the kids have gotten older. No one is even remotely interested in sitting on my lap while I pee anymore. And no one wants to play legos in the bathroom with me while I’m on the toilet. In fact, it’s gotten so good that the bathroom has become my new favorite place! I hang out in there with my iPhone all the time! I can hear the kids calling for me, but if I stay REAL quiet and keep that phone on mute, I can last a good couple hours in there!