1. Wear headphones.
I only just discovered this about a year ago and let me tell you, it has CHANGED. MY. LIFE. The key here is to get high quality headphones that prevent you from even hearing the fire alarm (true story). Sometimes I turn around and see kids fighting or screaming or crying. But with Beyonce’s “Naughty Girl” playing on my iPod, I really don’t give a shit.
Look, I’m not saying you should become an alcoholic (You should totally become an alcoholic. Wait, do NOT become an alcoholic. But seriously, if you’re really following the advice on this list you are probably an alcoholic.), but find a beverage that is going to help you in some fashion. Yes, wine and beer are great. Vodka does the job nicely. But even if it’s just coffee, folks. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT attempt to raise children without some sort of beverage dependence.
3. Go to bed before they do.
I guess those of you with infants are a little screwed in this area (damn those useless adorably chubby legs!!), but I find crawling into bed at 7pm either (a) forces your spouse to put them to bed, or (b) forces the kids to do it themselves. And that always works out well for everyone! (Note: No promises as to what you will awake to in the morning. Squirrels roaming the house is not an uncommon side effect.)
4. Play on your Smartphone … a lot.
I wish I could tell you there was an app out there that told you how to raise kids (wait, there is!), but there’s not (but really there is). So, in those times when the kids need “raising”, I find playing on my smartphone allows me to “be a better mom”. Cause let’s face it, if I was actually “raising” them, they’d be totally fucked up.
5. Keep saying “In a minute”.
Kids are dumb. They actually believe the crap that comes out of your mouth. I have staved off kids for hours and hours by just repeating “in a minute”. They don’t have any concept of time. (warning: eventually the kids catch on (they are not, in fact, as dumb as I’m implying) and MELLLLLLLLLLLT. You will then need to resort to recommendation #1)
6. Always have a lollipop on hand.
Instead of saying “shut the fuck up” to our little beanbags of happiness – (which is what we all say in our heads – don’t even try to lie, it cheapens both of us) – this is a great way to keep them from whining while you do important things, like stare at the wall to contemplate your existence or play Candy Crush.
7. Lie. And then lie some more.
We all know that there are little white lies we have to tell our kids (how else are we supposed to get our kids to behave?). Some as simple as Santa and others as complicated as “storks”. It’s a necessary part of life and has to be done (does it?). I find lying about pretty much everything, though, has helped me avoid endless meltdowns. “I’m sorry. We’re out of food”; “Daddy didn’t pay the electric bill. We have no power for the TV”; “Bees loooooooooove little kids”; and my personal favorite, “Mommy’s not smart enough to help you with your homework. You’ll have to wait til Daddy gets home.” … actually, that one may not be a lie.