I hope I’m not alone here in saying that my kids say the
stupidest, most inane, nonsensical darndest things! When they were little I would kindly attempt to correct them. Because, ya know, that’s what good moms do.
Me: No, honey, there are no such thing as monsters.
Kid: YES THERE ARE AND THEY EAT LITTLE KIDS!!
Me: Sweetie – no! Let’s go to the library and I’ll show you how monsters don’t exist. We’ll do an extensive research project on just how much they do not, in fact, exist. Ok? We can do a slide show and make a poster and …
Kid: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MONSTERRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS!!!!
Kid: The sky is green, Mommy
Me: No, dear, the sky is blue.
Me: Let’s go to the library and I’ll show you …
So after a couple years of this (I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer), I gave up.
Kid: Mom, did you know there are giant insects that live in the middle of the earth and make explosions and stuff and someday they are gonna crawl out and kill us all.
Every once in awhile I try to make sense of these kids, though. And honestly, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s just the day I’m having or maybe it’s my short term memory loss or maybe I’m an idiot … most likely it’s all three. Actually, most likely it’s the last one.
The other day Guy and AD were playing in the basement. I figured I had 5 minutes max until there was a crisis … ALWAYS involving screaming, sometimes involving blood. I think we were at minute 3 when the blood curdling shrieks came swirling up the stairs – like tornado swirling … like the worst tornado that’s ever hit land swirling … like the tornado that ended all tornados swirling. And as much as I’ve become WAY more laid back over the years, I don’t think there’s any way for your body to not instinctually tense up when hearing screams … even dramatic, ridiculous ones.
Guy comes running up the stairs sobbing his eyes out. AD had hurt him. But here’s the weird part … he immediately ran over to his iPod and pronounced through his tears that he was going to delete an app.
Me: Why are you deleting an app? I thought you just got hurt by AD? Is this some way of getting back at him?
Guy: NO! IT’S JUST A LAME APP AND I’M DELETING IT!!
Me: I still don’t understand. Weren’t you guys playing soccer and AD hit you? What does this have to do with the iPod and this app?
(Don’t you think it’s so cute how I’m trying to make sense of this? Did I think I was speaking to an adult?)
Guy: THIS APP IS LAME I’M DELETING IT!!
Me: What? Huh? I don’t understand.
I literally spent 10 minutes attempting to figure out what the HELL the app had to do with AD and Guy getting hurt. I was seriously thinking about having a trial – with me as the lawyer, wearing a robe. brandishing a gavel, and possibly wearing a white wig. I was already planning my surprise witness (our dog!!) when the Hubs shouted from the kitchen.
“Let it go”
Deep breaths. Oh, yeah. That’s right. These kids make absolutely no sense. I forgot.