Are You a Better Parent Than a 6th Grader?

I’m considering paying my oldest to do all the parenting for me this summer. She’s nurturing and responsible and, dangle a few bucks in her face, crazy compliant.

Like, if I just want to lie all day long on the couch, I can pay her to feed the boys, let the dog out, and some other shit that I only occasionally do but probably should do everyday. She’ll be like a better version of me!

I think this is the answer to all my problems. It allows for me to be lazy and unproductive but APPEAR motivated and super together (yeah, I’ll have to pay her to keep this “our little secret”). Although I guess when the Hubs sees our bank account depleted, he might start asking questions. HA! Who am I kidding? I won’t last ten minutes with his bloodhound approach to money. I told him I had a pizza delivered the other night and he gave me a look like I’d just murdered a tiny baby bunny rabbit … after torturing it for hours. I only do that to spiders … and my self esteem.

Crap! Ok, so the paying her isn’t gonna work. What next? Hmmmmm.

Help me daughter Obi-Wan!!  You’re my only hope!

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She loves chocolate!! I could bribe her with that. And, as an added bonus, give her diabetes with a side of rip roaring obesity! It’s a win-win!!

No, that still costs money. And yes, even buying a single, solitary Hershey’s chocolate bar could raise the Hub’s eyebrows. (Seriously, he is not this much of a lunatic in real life (shhhh, he really is), but he plays one in this blog … taking one for the team, baby!! Looooooooooooooooovve you!!!)

I could keep the TV on Caillou all day and force her to watch it if she doesn’t help me?

Nah.

Even I have my standards and that’s far too cruel.

I’ll come up with something, I’m sure. I have about …

OH SHIT!!!!!

… only 14 more days to figure it out!?!

(insert panic attack here)

I didn’t sign them up for enough camps! I didn’t plan enough vacations with other family members who will deal with them while I drink Strawberitas (that’s for you, Amy!!) and fry my skin off!! I didn’t do everything I wanted to do this school year – like sleep and … sleep. And what about the SLEEP!?!  FUCK.

Life as I know it is over … again (yes I’m well aware this happens every June, but it continues to surprise me … again, not the brightest crayon in the box over here). Prepare for rambling, nonsensical blog posts this summer. Don’t worry though, I’ll have the suicide hotline on hold at all times. What?? NO!! Not for me!! For the dog. That poor guy gets ABUSED over the summer. When you go from sleeping all day to having kids jumping on you while simultaneously farting in your face for most of the day, you’re bound to face a little depression. Wait … maybe that is me.

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Our dog (and his lawyer) in August.

I’m ready, JC, EIC 🙂

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