“I take that as a ‘yes'” is Guy’s favorite phrase right now. And to say it’s scaring the shit out of me would be like saying an explosive case of diarrhea in a kid still wearing diapers is “sort of gross”.
Ok, here’s the situation (you know you wanna sing “my parents went away on a week’s vacation” … but I digress) … I’m admitting, with great shame, that I am not ALWAYS paying attention. That, yes, sometimes my kids eat
bucketfuls handfuls of goldfish without my knowledge. That they MAY watch TV more than I realize. And, on that note, watch TV shows that I MAY not have approved. I MAY occasionally not know where they are. MAAAAAAAAAY.
Look, I’m doing the best I can here!! (If one would consider their best “half-ass”) I’ve got a lot of crap to do!! (Like surf the internet and sort through a bag of Skittles to make sure I only eat the yellow, orange, and red ones) I am crazy stressed!! (I curl up with the dog most of the day and play Dots) You can’t expect me to be perfect!! (or even mildly capable)
But the youngest, he’s got me pegged. He’s figured out what the other two would have never even remotely dreamt up. Here it is …
He asks me questions when I’m not fully engaged (so basically at any given moment of the day) and not paying attention (again …). He then waits the standard 3 seconds and joyfully announces (yeah, he hasn’t figured this part out yet … he’s only 7, people) “I take that as a ‘yes’!” and skips along on his merry way with, in his mind, full approval from me.
I then proceed to do the frantic ‘look-up’
from my iPhone and say “WHAT?! Wait!! What did you ask??”
At this point he has already
superglued the dog to the wall, hot-wired the car, bought an XBox 360 off of Amazon gone ahead with what he had asked me. And had I been paying attention … well, it’s the age old parental conundrum, right? Right? It’s not? Shit, I am totally screwing this parenting thing up.
Anyhoo, I’m thinking about going to one of those special effects people in Hollywood and having them create a mask for me. You know, one that would allow me to look like I’m watching the kids and paying attention, but secretly I am
checking Facebook, reading People, trying to come up with funny tweets working on my career.
Ok, we all know I can’t afford that (in other words, I’d have to resuscitate the hubs when THAT bill came in), nor do I know a single soul in Hollywood (although, let’s face it, any
century minute now this blog is gonna take off and I am going to be THE SHIT). What about a poster board covering my face with a picture of me on it. I’ll be behind it doing what I want, but the kids won’t know!! They’ll just think I’m staring at them at all times … with the exact same expression … not blinking … or breathing. That’s not creepy, right?