Chica … wherefore art thou?

I could not possibly love this article any more than I already do.  My heart overfloweth.  These are the articles that show how fucked up society is make the world go round.  I mean, what a human interest piece!!  Some brainless, plastic ‘sort of’ celebrity has lost her dog … HOLY.  CRAPBALLS.  If I could fly out to California and look for little Chica right this minute,  I would!  But since I have a life I’m strapped for cash, I’m doing my part by looking for her here, because, well, you never know!  Chica could have hightailed it the hell outta there accidentally jumped on a plane headed for the East coast.  That shit happens all the time.

But the most disturbing best part is that Brandi (just DAYS after) got a NEW dog.  I mean, how did she wait so long?  I would have had a new dog in minutes.  That little Chihuahua-mix probably got eaten by a coyote, don’t you think?  I think coyotes eat dogs all the time out there!  Especially ones that are fed caviar on a regular basis.  It only makes sense.

Possibly topping the replacement purchase part would be her quote:

“We have a new family member until Chica comes back to us.  His name is Chico.”

Seriously?  Does this story get ANY better?  UNTIL Chica comes back??  Does that mean poor little Chico is SOL once Chica is found?  Is Chico like a loaner dog?  Are they kicking Chico to the curb once their precious Chica (who’s been missing for DAYS … apparently in celebrity speak that’s equivalent to MONTHS) comes back??  I’m picturing Chico on the watch for Chica, making back alley arrangements with coyotes, squirrels, raccoons and any other animal in need of some quick cash, for Chica’s “removal”.  I bet Chico is on his BEST behavior right now – crossing his legs whenever he needs take a piss, clenching his butt whenever he has to take a shit and then cleaning it up himself before anyone can even see it, let alone smell it. I’m sure he’s being the biggest cuddle bunny any dog has ever been in the history of time … all the while keeping a lookout for Chica, his eyes darting right and left on constant patrol, spending sleepless nights pacing the house stopping at every little noise, wondering when his mother’s little Chica will be back … who, by the way, he has no issue tearing to shreds upon return.  Their names may be one letter apart, but they are WORLDS different.

But don’t worry!!  They are still looking for Chica.  Brandi’s pleas for Chica’s return?

“This is devastating”

“Give her back”

Is she only capable of forming three word sentences?  Or is she really hoping Chica “stays lost” because, let’s face it, Chica probably didn’t tell Brandi that she was pretty enough on a daily basis.  I picture Brandi saying these three word sentences in a robotic voice at some high official’s podium, with a flashover scene of her screaming at Chica – “You little, BITCH!  I AM PRETTY!!  TELLLLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” while Chica rolls her eyes and mutters, “I’m so done here.”

I hope Chico can live up to all this pressure.

I’m thinking more and more that Chica tore out of that house like a bat out of hell first chance she got and is sunning herself in Puerto Vallarta with her hot Spanish boyfriend, Rafael, drinking a Mai Tai and laughing her ass off about Chico (who, we find out in the next installment, is Chica’s half brother … he murdered their Shelty-mix father in a vicious fight over a basted chicken flavor Purina Busy Bone and landed himself in the pound … with no chance for parole).

Don’t you find it odd that nothing else was stolen from the house?



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