39 Things I’ve Learned in My 38.99999 Years

No, seriously – I would never make you read 39 things.  I’ll try to keep it to 10 since my birthday is fast approaching and I’ve got to enjoy this last day of being 38.  I’ll keep the other 29 to myself … they mostly involve my va-jay-jay, bowel functions and bodily fluids.  You’re welcome.

1. Bounty is truly the “quicker picker upper”

2. There is only one right way to fold a towel.  Sorry.

3. Boob sweat is a bona fide ‘thing’ and needs to be addressed by society … and medical professionals.

4. You can most definitely kill a song by listening to it 47 times in a row.

5. The most important thing you should be is a goofball.  Everything else falls way second.

6. When you think it’s all gonna go to shit, it will be fine; and when you think it’ll be fine, it will all go to shit.  It’s just basic physics.

7. Oddly enough – and to your never ending confusion – your husband loves you.

8. You will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, E…V…E….R be happy with your body.  Stop looking at it and move on.  (Please learn this one, I’m begging you!!  … I’m talking to myself here)

9. Despite all the ways you were crazy and insane during their infancy and toddlerhood (don’t even TRY to pretend you don’t remember), your kids are really, truly the best.  And you are damn lucky.

10. Housework sucks.  It should demand very little of your time.  And when it does, add music … preferably ear piercingly loud and obnoxious.

11.  You’re never too old to start something new.  Whether it be drinking margaritas, writing a blog, or learning the Cupid Shuffle.

12. A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is a miracle.  Treat it as such.

13. Never underestimate the power of curling up with your dog on the couch … with an accompanying cup of coffee and a 10 pound bar of chocolate.

14. There will never be enough time.  Period.

15. There is a fine balance between helping someone and being codependent … just like there is a fine balance between being healthy and being insane.

16. The human body produces some pretty disgusting shit (pun intended) … always have baby wipes on hand.  And Purell.

17. Never make a list of 17 things you’ve learned over the course of your life.  People will be bored by #6 and subsequently move on to a much better blog that actually makes them laugh.

Yes, I went over!  Are you surprised?  I am a wealth of information that cannot be shut up.  Deal with it.

All joking aside, never make a list like this.  It’s wildly depressing how little you’ve learned so far in your life.

Good news?  You’re only midway through it.  Bad news?  You have no idea of the accuracy of that statement.  I’d better start learning some crap … today!  There must be one about cupcakes, right?



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