One of my least favorite personality traits is my … well … my judgyness (yes, Autocorrect, pudginess works too, but how about you go piss on yourself, huh?). I try so hard to keep my judging at bay. I mean, really, really hard. How else am I supposed to be perceived as a nice person? I remember my mom saying once, as a lunatic driver was flying down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic, on the verge of causing, easily, 6 accidents, that maybe he was in a rush to get to the hospital. Maybe his mother was dying or his wife was giving birth. Reality? He was just a young punk douchebag out for a joyride (proven when we saw him exit at a strip club barreling in on two wheels), but it stuck with me anyway and I really TRY to not throw stones. Try, obviously, being the operative word.
But seriously, people really are stupid. And annoying. And really annoyingly stupid. But adorable as well … see, I’m trying.
The other day it was glaringly obvious that I had failed in all my attempts to hide my judgment of others. I was driving down a fairly narrow road near our house with the kids in the car and Munch, who is old enough to sit in the front seat now, murmured something as I veered the car a little to the left to avoid a woman standing on the edge of the road picking raspberries. “What?,” I said. And Munch began her tirade …
“Why was that woman standing practically IN the road? She was eating RASPBERRIES?? *(the equivalent to dog shit, apparently)* I mean, why didn’t she GET A BOOOOWWWWLLLLLL and put them IN IT and THEN eat it?? Instead of standing RIGHT ON THE ROAD??”
The only part missing was her concluding with, “FUCKING IDIOT” which, thankfully, she did NOT say.
I found myself conjuring up my inner Mom and thinking of reasons why this
idiot woman was standing in the road. Um, maybe she was starving? Maybe she had been kidnapped for years and had finally broken free from the constraints and was tasting, LITERALLY, her first bits of freedom? Maybe she was blind and unaware that she was basically IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD eating raspberries. But, as all of these scenarios seemed less and less likely, I was finding it hard to not shout AMEN! to Munch and turn the car around to bitch this woman out. How dare she stand in the middle of the road on the verge of causing an accident!! (notice how she’s in the middle of the road now … she wasn’t, by the way). And gulping down raspberries like a crazed, raspberry hungry, salad obsessed, fruit junky! (I don’t know her. Not even a little bit.) Jesus!! Doesn’t she know that the road is for CARS?? MY GOD, the INSENSITIVITY and IRRESPONSIBLENESS of some people!!!
I began texting this all to the Hubs in the most indignant font I could find, when in the back seat the boys yelled, “Don’t text and drive, MOM!!”
I tossed the phone like it was a live grenade and stared at the road with my eyes bulging.
Stop judging, stop judging, stop judging … my new mantra.