Being a Mom: Game of Thrones Style

Just FYI, this post is ridiculously ridiculous.  Like, you-may-not-want-to-waste-your-time ridiculous.  Don’t say you weren’t warned!!

I miss Game of Thrones … terribly … like, more than I probably should considering all the violence, incest, torture and rape … it’s my favrioso show.  I have a hardcore, teenage, moony-eyed crush on it.  And so I am going to write about it because, well, … because that’s what you do when you’re in love!  You write sappy prose and whimsical dialogue and you wistfully sigh … a lot.  (and, if it’s Game of Thrones, you wander around the house all day muttering, “You know nothin’ Jon Snow!!”)

To start out, I like to think of myself as Daenerys Targaryen.  I mean, besides the fact that we are practically twins …

Daenerys got dragon

… she is truly the best “mother” on the show.  I mean, come on!  Did you see the last episode … they were chanting “Mother! Mother! Mother!” in some bizarre, crunchy language (yes, I feel the word “crunchy” fits … especially while I’m sitting here eating a bag of Doritos).  By the way, do the writers/George R. R. Martin (one middle name would suffice, dude) make up whole new languages for shows like this?  If so, let’s start using them!!  Think of the amazing conversations we could have that we are restricted from having because of our stupid, current language.  I mean, who likes words like “thermometer” or “yellow” or “dysentery” or “the” anyway?

Daenerys loves her 3 adorably angry dragons with a fierceness and intensity that I’d like to think I love my 3 adorably angry dragons kids.  And god knows they breathe fire … between the lack of teeth brushing and the “I HATE YOU!”s, I’m covered in 3rd degree burns on a regular basis.

But then I waver … and sometimes picture myself more like the level-headed, likable, Tyrion Lannister … (talk about twins!)

Tyrion IMG_2396

He’s the only one that ever talks any SENSE in that family but everyone hates me him anyway.  Because I MAKE SENSE … I mean, HE … he makes sense.  Plus who can’t relate to being a cute dwarf in love with a sensible, sweet whore who is forced to marry a woman whose father was beheaded by your own nephew and who killed his mother in child birth.  It’s the standard, boring American story.  You’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a hundred times.

Or maybe I’m Sansa …

Sansa

test

… forced to live with these crazy, sadistic lunatics day in and day out.  Held captive while my her life is being systematically destroyed!!  (To my husband and children: LOVE YOU!!)

Or maybe I’m Melisandre?

Melisandre IMG_2398

God knows I’ve given birth to some crazy ass shit that has definitely attempted to kill.

My will to live, anyway.

Nah.

Mostly I think I’m Hodor.

hodor

(fyi, I’m too tired to recreate this photo … you’re just going to have to believe me … maybe someday I’ll do it and randomly post it and everyone will be all like, “wtf?!” (cause by then I’ll be super famous … or infamous), but you’ll know … yes, only you, lone reader, will know)

I mean, look at him with that stroller thingy and the two ungrateful kids in front of him!!  Talk about an exact mirror of my life.

I hogtie drag these kids around all day, I have limited intelligence (most scrupulously removed by my lovely children), I’m a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle overweight and I get freaked out and can’t shut up when wild hellions surround our house with bows and arrows in an attempt to steal our horses (we don’t own horses … so you can imagine my terror).

So until Season 4 returns (holy SHIT, that long??), I will be staring at the television willing it to bring back my favorite show.  Cause that always works.

And plotting my brother’s death.

What?  Did I just say that?!  I’m just kidding.  I’d merely torture him.  Rat to the belly style!!

Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!

bran

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