Reading Blows!

There’s nothing like starting the day off with this …

note

I naturally texted this out to all my friends … you don’t let a self loathing inducing bomb like this go unpublished.  Well, not if you’re me.

One of my friends aptly texted me in response, “Nothing screams ‘you’re a derelict parent’ more than a note from the teacher pointing out that your child was the ONLY ONE!”

Let me back up.  Our elementary school participates in a fun program for the kids called “Reading Rocks!” (exclamation mark included) Parents are asked to keep track of how long in minutes ( … I guess I should be grateful it’s not in seconds – I never was good at math) their child reads each day.  Let me say that again.  Parents are asked to KEEP TRACK of how long their child READS each and every DAY.  For a month.

Do these people realize I am JUST, by the skin of my teeth, getting these maniacs to do their homework???

To say this royally sucks would be a complete and total understatement.  At the risk of sounding like I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, a failure of a parent, a menace to society a bitch, I have officially decided after 13 years that this specific form of torture fundraiser is easily the worst part about parenting as a whole (and I’ve wiped shit off of my face and swallowed baby vomit – unintentionally, of course).

Look, my kids read.  They always have.  Why?  Because I read all the same research you did that said if I didn’t make them love reading I was basically setting them up for academic failure … no pressure or anything.  Never one to shy away from a  challenge, our house is a literal and figurative library.  If you turn around, you’ll trip over a book … ok, fine, that may be my lack of housekeeping skills … but pick up that book up and read it!!!!

If they hated reading and never did it, this would be a different post.   But they read!  When 8pm rolls around, I don’t know about you, but I’m in sweats with a glass of wine and a handful of pills smile going through the lovely all consuming joy of bedtime.  The absolute LAST thing I want to do is TIME THEM READING (I really wish there was a screaming font, but this is as good as I could get).  But maybe that’s just me.  No.  I know it’s not just me. I had someone confess to me yesterday that she just writes a number on the log we have to keep … makes something up that sounds plausible.  I thought we all did that?  Wait.  Everyone’s not doing that?  Crap.

To make it more difficult and guilt inducing, they award prizes to the top reader and the top class and the top grade and the top … whatever.  So there’s a LOT of pressure to make sure these sheets get in on time.  You know.  Elementary school pressure.  Had I known about elementary school pressure I would have sent my kids straight to high school after pre-school.

Well, guess what?!?!  I suck!!  Apparently.  Long story short, we had snow days, I totally forgot to send the weekly slip in and …. well that’s it.  I ruined my child’s chance at a prize, I screwed up the classroom total, and ultimately fucked them over for any chance of winning the grand prize … a life-size dancing bear?!  Who knows.

So instead of acting like this …

459930ad4419620d0c52559bddd3228c

Or going to get a tattoo that says, “I am enough” 😉 …

… I sent out 20 emails yesterday profusely apologizing to everyone that would listen.  Including the school janitor (I don’t know, but he appreciated it).  And I am typing up an essay for Guy for when he’s in therapy in 20 years fully explaining my negligence in his schooling.  I hope he forgives me.  I’m anticipating he won’t.

Some day I’m going to be that woman in the above picture that tells everyone to screw off, that I’m doing the best I can, that I’m good enough just as I am, DAMNIT!!!!  I’m gonna dance around the house to some ridiculous song (currently Britney Spears’ Work Bitch … but you didn’t ask) and embrace my imperfections!!!!

But until then …

oreos

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One response »

  1. Great blog Carrie! I feel the same way!

    Reply

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