‘You are’ Quizzes: Easily the Stupidest Way To Question Your Entire Existence (Not to Mention Spend Your Day)

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I blame the endless snow.  Yes, that’s been my excuse for everything lately.  Because everyone does that groan thing and shakes their head in sad acknowledgment.  Yes, they say, yes … horrendous.  And then somehow I get a free pass.  I’ve done nothing for 6 weeks (shhhhhhhhhh).  Just muttering the word ‘snow’ with downcast eyes.  It’s pretty awesome.

So, once again, I blame the endless snow for the fact that I have been taking Buzzfeed quiz after Buzzfeed quiz trying to, apparently, figure out who I am?  (and waste my own time)

WHO AM I?! – I shout to the universe.  Let Buzzfeed tell me … seer and knower of all things.

And the results are startling.  And, quite honestly, devastating.  Not to mention disturbing.

I am NOT the person on Facebook posting the results of my quizzes with an “Of course!!” or “This is soooooooo me!!”

Nope.  I’m in hiding.  Because apparently I’m extremely odd.  And terrible.  And possibly creepy.  And more than a little weird.  And, again, odd.

I started off innocently enough.  Which character are you on Downton Abbey?  How bad could this really get?  (I was desperately hoping to get the grandmother … you know you wanted her too)

Result: Daisy

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DAISY?!  The mousy, annoying, self-conscious, insecure twit girl?  (sorry, Daisy … you fictional character you)  Could there BE anyone worse than Daisy?  I think not.

Ok.  Fluke.  Let’s move on.

What character are you on Game of Thrones?  (of COURSE the Hubs got John Snow … this fit so perfectly that I figured I was a shoe in for Ygritte)

Result: Tyrion

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Wow.  Ok.  I’m a man.  Not sure where to go with this one.  Ummmmmmmmmm … yeah, nothing.  Well, that’s not completely true … there may have been some shock and horror … and a lone tear.

What Disney character are you?

Result: Pinnochio

pinocchio

GREAT!  I’m a liar!!!!  Not to mention that, in the previous quiz, where I found out that I am a man, my “male parts” are on my FACE.  Perfect.

What state should you live in?

Result: Minnesota

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HUH?!  Have I not bitched enough this winter?  For frig’s sake … eh, screw that … for fuck’s sake!!!  I’m sick of the snow!!!!!  I guess I’d better start working on my yah and you betcha‘s.

Which Muppet are you?

Result: Scooter

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This is where I really went batshit with the research.  How in GOD’S name am I like Scooter?  I mean, COME ON!!! (besides, of course, the eyeballs embedded in his glasses, the green track suit, the fact that his mother was a parrot, his “vaguely humanoid” type character, him being a 14 year old male (I do share their sense of humor), his best friend being Fozzie the Bear …)

Actually, this was the most accurate of them all.  Uncanny, really.

But the creme de la creme, you ask?  The piece de resistance?  The ‘How many children should you have?’ Quiz.

Result: 1

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A slight problem considering I have 3.  I, unfortunately, shared this as a joke with the kids and the older one began laser-beam staring down the younger two while they started putting on a wildly entertaining show for me so I would “keep them”.

The further I went down this rabbit hole, the more desperate I became to find a quiz that somehow validated who I think I am.

Fast forward 10 hours later …

I found myself at the bottom of a bottle of salted caramel popcorn vodka (yes, it’s as good as it sounds) questioning and analyzing (over and over and over and over … I’m really good at that) my entire life.  And not even just the big things – like should I keep pursuing writing or should I make a 100% effort to eat healthier or should I still be wiping my 8 year old’s ass.  No.  I’m questioning which shoes should I wear to the bus stop!  And which song I should listen to on the radio!!  Should I buy Crest or Colgate?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

For the love of …

WHO. AM. I?!

*All results in this post are completely accurate and not made up for comedic purposes.  I know, right?!?!*

**Also, I refused to take the ‘Which True Detective Character Are You” quiz because I knew for certain I’d be the dead woman tied to the tree and I wasn’t ready to deal with those personal psychological ramifications … I probably would have ended up moving to Minnesota**

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