How do YOU know?

Is anyone else dealing with this?  My 8 year old has decided to end every conversation with me with “how do YOU know?” accompanied by the indignant stare (and the sing-songy “you”).

Nothing brings out the worst in me more or better than my kids.  They are truly professionals.

I’m having vague recollections of posing this same question to my own mother.  This, in turn, makes me want to write my 538th apology letter to her since becoming a parent, but until they hook the internet up in heaven, I guess I’ll just have to assume she’s laughing her ass off and eating copious amounts of stale marshmallow peeps while enjoying the show.

So the latest is this …

Guy: Mom, do you think it will be a cold summer?

(and even though he had JUST had a colossal meltdown 10 minutes earlier, I, initially, think how absolutely adorable this is … he thinks because we had so much snow that maybe it won’t get hot this summer … what a cutie!!)

Me: Nope!  I think it will be a hot one!

(with that stupid Mom smile on my face – like “aren’t you just precious”)

Guy: … (indignant stare followed by disgusted look) how do YOU know?

(that “you” goes up and down, by the way – in case you have infants and haven’t heard it yet)

And something in me just snapped.

How do I know?  How do IIIIIIIIIII know, you little fuck?!  I DON’T!!  How about you ask the fucking weather man.  In fact, DO THAT!!  I guarantee that asshole knows about as much as I do!! (no offense, Adam Joseph)

How do I know???  Because, I’ve been around for 39 fucking summers and it ALWAYS GETS HOT!!

How do I know??? Because I went to school for a bazillion years and I’m FUCKING smart (I’m not, but he doesn’t have to know that)

How do I know???   HOW DO I KNOW??? Because, scientifically, the earth’s ozone is disappearing from all my hairspray use and someday we’re all gonna BURN UP!!  SLEEP ON THAT, MOTHERFUCKER!!

But instead …

Me: Just a guess, sweetie.

 

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5 responses »

  1. Oh.My.God. I am laughing hysterical right now (and that usually never happens – unless I’m reading my own stuff). Brilliant. Don’t you like how they turn on you in an instant – after they’ve asked you for help, too? It’s such a nice quality in children. Love, love, love your internal responses. Exactly what i’d be thinking. Although I’m happy my kids haven’t pulled that one yet, but they’ve been snide about other stuff.

    Reply
  2. Spot. On. Hysterical. Take heart. In twenty years you can watch the pay back play out. Our stock answer was always, “I hope you have kids JUST LIKE YOU!” The curse works.

    Reply
  3. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. I have suppressed the exact same thoughts oh so many times. Those little fuckers, errrr, precious darlings have some nerve.

    Reply

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