Well, last week I put another frightening Adirondack mountain adventure under my ever expanding belt. No, no bears or mountain lions. Just kids. Their eerie screams and howling cries over fallen hot dogs, limited wifi, and any type of chore (“we’re on VACATION!!” … as if my dad, stepmother, hubs and I weren’t??) forced all wildlife out of the area for 7 days. Actually, I have no way of knowing if they returned.
The Hubs, if you haven’t guessed or seen already, is not the beer guzzling, lay around on the couch watching football all day kind of guy. And there’s never a time that I’m more disappointed about this then when we’re in the mountains. It’s like he’s got a Red Bull lit on fire up his ass. The only advantage to this is that I usually lose weight on these vacations – hiking up steep, insurmountable mountains, swimming miles in deep, thick lakes, and canoeing til my arms fall off.
I snuck away one night to read a smut book and got reamed out! Look, I can’t help it if
fictional characters are my best friends I need to relax! Jeez!!
Did I say he reamed me out? What he really said was, “go relax, hon!” … what a douche.
While I snuggled up in bed with Caleb, I mean my book, the Hubs was diving after pontoon boats that had broken free, putting out ill-made fires in the family room, running (yes, running) up two mountains, and making the best smores this side of Tallahassee (I have no idea what happens on the other side of Tallahassee). He would go on walks and come back with enough wood to build a small cabin (presumably for me to read my smut books in) and took my one year old, 25 lb sister on his back up not one, but two mountains. Can you say overachiever?
Look, I’m not used to all this craziness on vacation. The Hub’s family did this kind of hardcore vacation stuff all the time when he was a kid. We did Disney. In a hotel. The most strenuous thing we did was wait in a 2 hour line for It’s A Small World*. Hell, my dad’s the one that started the previously mentioned fire in the house that the Hubs had to put out – assuming the flue was open, but instead, sealing it so tightly shut that the thick curls of smoke in the house overpowered us all and the Hubs had to carry us all out in the crux of his bent pinky finger while simultaneously using some of his voodoo Boy Scout magic to diminish the flames. What I meant was, it set the smoke alarm off.
That’s how my side rolls!
The Hub’s side? … they’re building houses in Uganda for poor orphaned children. And they don’t take breaks! Or drink water!! Or have any need for oxygen.
I do have to give my dad and stepmom credit. They are always game – despite age, physical ability, and common sense. When my dad appeared at the top of a particularly hard ass mountain with steep rock climbing at the end, we’re pretty sure the heavens opened up and some angels sang. That could have been delirium from dehydration though.
Side note: You can really get a sense of who’s gonna survive the ever impending apocalypse on these hikes. And I’m pretty sure the 82 year old lady with the hand crocheted sweater, khaki slacks and old lady slippers who passed me on the way up is gonna kick some zombie ass while I get torn to shreds by a werewolf.
We did get the Hubs a little tipsy one night. He denied it at the time, but listening to him stumble and slur over the word ‘specific’ had us laughing so hard I thought we’d all bust a gut. Thank goodness or we’d wonder if he’s human. One time I caught him sleeping and yelled (pointing at him), “HA! You sleep like the rest of us!!!” He was slightly annoyed with me considering it was 2am.
Now I’m forcing him on to Nantucket, for a long weekend with friends, where I will make him sleep in, lay on the beach, and eat lots of amazing food. Suck on that, Mountain Man!!!
*Do NOT wait in line for 2 hours for It’s A Small World. After the 3 minute ride, you WILL sing the song for the rest of the day whilst becoming the bitchiest person that ever roamed the planet.