Disclaimer: (yes, I’m well aware that I said I would stop with the disclaimer stuff … what are you, the disclaimer police?? Sorry, I’m just cranky. It’s 6:38am and I’ve already got a kid wrapped around my leg.) I LOVE MY KIDS!! They are funny and cute and kind and, despite my rampant failures as a mother, turning out to be amazing.
I HATE MY KIDS!! No, really. They are slowly killing me. A mom a couple of weeks ago informed me that, “we’re half way through the summer!!” and I almost punched her in the face. Repeatedly. We’re only halfway through the
fucking summer?! It feels like I’ve been living in this wasteland for, easily, 3 years … give or take my whole life.
Will this ever end?!? I moan into my pillow every morning as the Hubs gets out of bed with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Bastard. I never get more jealous of his job than in the summer. His ability to spend 20 minutes in the car BY HIMSELF on the way to work is enough to make me seethe with rage. I try not to think about the fact that he can eat lunch by himself, chat it up with the guys in the office and pee alone. And then my favorite, when he comes home and says, “Did you see the such and such about the such and such and that article about the such and such?”
UM, WHAT?! No, HONEY, I haven’t. Tell me about the oh so fascinating real world, cause I’m living in this hell hole of “I’m bored!”, “He hit me!”, and “When is lunch?” … the last being said at 2:30.
I’m using him as a scapegoat again. Sorry, babes! (I never call him babes) He really is great. When he gets home from work, he shoes me out the door and tells me to “go relax” … I’m usually wearing a Freddy Kruger mask at this point. Five o’clock ain’t pretty here, folks.
And I don’t know about you, but I try and try to come up with ideas to keep these lovely bundles of toothpaste-squeezable loveballs happy. I google “activities for kids” or “things to do this summer” or “how to survive the summer” or “someone shoot me” and it seems like these women are as crazy as I am making these lists. Everyone has to top the other … 25 No Fail Activities for Kids, 50 Boredom Busters You MUST Do, 126 Perfect, Amazeballs Summer Ideas for Kids, 1,000,000 Honest to Goodness 100% Whine-Free Things For Your Kids To Do During The Summer That They Will Thank You For When They Are 39 And Raising Their Own Kids … the last having things like “Smile in the Mirror” or “Walk 10 Steps” or “Breathe” on the list.
I think I’m going to make my own list … the I’m Slowly Dying List … Ways to Prolong Your Eventual Emotional and Spiritual Death From A Summer Full of Kids.
Shit. There really is no way of avoiding it.
The only thing I can think of that is saving me right now is my friends … who commiserate, counsel, and consume alcohol with me. Thank the sweet lord for them. And the Rainbow Loom. Thank god for that.