Monthly Archives: January 2014

Reading Blows!

There’s nothing like starting the day off with this …


I naturally texted this out to all my friends … you don’t let a self loathing inducing bomb like this go unpublished.  Well, not if you’re me.

One of my friends aptly texted me in response, “Nothing screams ‘you’re a derelict parent’ more than a note from the teacher pointing out that your child was the ONLY ONE!”

Let me back up.  Our elementary school participates in a fun program for the kids called “Reading Rocks!” (exclamation mark included) Parents are asked to keep track of how long in minutes ( … I guess I should be grateful it’s not in seconds – I never was good at math) their child reads each day.  Let me say that again.  Parents are asked to KEEP TRACK of how long their child READS each and every DAY.  For a month.

Do these people realize I am JUST, by the skin of my teeth, getting these maniacs to do their homework???

To say this royally sucks would be a complete and total understatement.  At the risk of sounding like I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, a failure of a parent, a menace to society a bitch, I have officially decided after 13 years that this specific form of torture fundraiser is easily the worst part about parenting as a whole (and I’ve wiped shit off of my face and swallowed baby vomit – unintentionally, of course).

Look, my kids read.  They always have.  Why?  Because I read all the same research you did that said if I didn’t make them love reading I was basically setting them up for academic failure … no pressure or anything.  Never one to shy away from a  challenge, our house is a literal and figurative library.  If you turn around, you’ll trip over a book … ok, fine, that may be my lack of housekeeping skills … but pick up that book up and read it!!!!

If they hated reading and never did it, this would be a different post.   But they read!  When 8pm rolls around, I don’t know about you, but I’m in sweats with a glass of wine and a handful of pills smile going through the lovely all consuming joy of bedtime.  The absolute LAST thing I want to do is TIME THEM READING (I really wish there was a screaming font, but this is as good as I could get).  But maybe that’s just me.  No.  I know it’s not just me. I had someone confess to me yesterday that she just writes a number on the log we have to keep … makes something up that sounds plausible.  I thought we all did that?  Wait.  Everyone’s not doing that?  Crap.

To make it more difficult and guilt inducing, they award prizes to the top reader and the top class and the top grade and the top … whatever.  So there’s a LOT of pressure to make sure these sheets get in on time.  You know.  Elementary school pressure.  Had I known about elementary school pressure I would have sent my kids straight to high school after pre-school.

Well, guess what?!?!  I suck!!  Apparently.  Long story short, we had snow days, I totally forgot to send the weekly slip in and …. well that’s it.  I ruined my child’s chance at a prize, I screwed up the classroom total, and ultimately fucked them over for any chance of winning the grand prize … a life-size dancing bear?!  Who knows.

So instead of acting like this …


Or going to get a tattoo that says, “I am enough” 😉 …

… I sent out 20 emails yesterday profusely apologizing to everyone that would listen.  Including the school janitor (I don’t know, but he appreciated it).  And I am typing up an essay for Guy for when he’s in therapy in 20 years fully explaining my negligence in his schooling.  I hope he forgives me.  I’m anticipating he won’t.

Some day I’m going to be that woman in the above picture that tells everyone to screw off, that I’m doing the best I can, that I’m good enough just as I am, DAMNIT!!!!  I’m gonna dance around the house to some ridiculous song (currently Britney Spears’ Work Bitch … but you didn’t ask) and embrace my imperfections!!!!

But until then …


Snow Days … the Vacation You Didn’t Ask For

Yes, we are on day 2 of a random “vacation” due to snow.  This is easily the worst kind of vacation ever invented.  We cannot leave the house.  (although, trust me, I’ve thought about it … even when it was a practical white out and the roads were closed … desperate times …)

I would like to say that I sat down and attempted some “schooling” with the kids like my friend Hyphenista, but, alas, I was too busy with my face smashed against my window begging and pleading for someone to help me … clinging for dear life as the zombies kids closed in on me.

I love these guys, but if there’s not an electronic device in sight, they lose all ability to function as independent human beings.  Or rational, for that matter.

The youngest couldn’t quite get that he couldn’t have a play date.

Me: The roads are horrible.  No one can drive their kid here, nor am I willing to go out in this … no matter how much you are crushing my soul irritating me by whining for 2 hours straight.

Him: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Me: What are you not understanding?!  It CAN’T be DONE!

Him: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Me: Do you SEE the snow falling?!  DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?!  DANGER!!!!!

Him: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Me: (hides under the couch cushions)

I caught the middle one reading a book.  You know how that goes.  You are sneaking by their room and you catch the glimpse but (DAMNIT!) they saw you!



Him: I’m bored!!!

Me: You were just reading!  Which is so awesome and I’m so proud of you!!!

(god forbid I damage anyone’s self esteem :-/)

Him: Reading sucks!

Great.  Raising future presidents over here.

Oldest – who is now a teen and has somehow become aware of social normalcy and appropriate behavior (thank god for their father), complains to me that she’s been “lazy all day”

(and the problem is?)

Me: So?  It’s a snow day.  Relax.  Have fun.

Her: But I haven’t DONE anything.

Me: Ok.  What do you want me to say?  Do 20 jumping jacks!  Shovel the mountains of snow outside!  Read a book!!  Do a puzzle!!! Play a board game with your brothers!!!  Put your clothes away!  Clean your room!  Do a craft!  Play with the dog!!!

Her: (eye roll) No.


And I don’t know about your guys, but mine have to be within 2 feet of me at all times.  We are literally bumping into each other constantly – starting out the day with “excuse me, honey”, “pardon me, sweetie”, and ending the day with “are you FREAKING kidding me?!  Why are you up my butt???”

When is some brilliant mother going to come up with the “Mom Bubble” … personal space capsules that allow you to not be touched for hours on end … and I’d pay the extra 50 bucks for the noise canceling headphones as well.

I think that’s the one thing I’m really pissed that no one told me about before having kids.  There will be NO personal space.  And when you do set boundaries and say, “PEOPLE!  PLEASE!!!!!  I NEED MY SPACE!!”, you will (within seconds) feel insanely guilty and pull them all in for a bear hug, in which they will cling for hours and you are back to square one.

Gotta go … it’s bear hug time.

personal space suit

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